


Kylo's Mom Has Got It Going On

by urami



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Don't Look At My Mother That Way, Gen, Inappropriate Humor, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 08:39:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5578822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urami/pseuds/urami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for a prompt on the kink meme. </p><p>Kylo Ren is not amused when he finds some... compromising photos of General Leia Organa uploaded to the Starkiller Base servers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kylo's Mom Has Got It Going On

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written any fic in quite some time, and this is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever written, point-blank. I am so sorry. 
> 
> However, according to my best friend, who is the first mate on a container ship, The Special Hard Drive is a thing that actually exists, so I guess I kind of ran with it. Um, also, I guess don't store your porn on the work computer? Especially if your boss's mom is in it.

No matter what kind of a ship it was, whether it was one of those little seagoing vessels used for intra-planetary transportation on a watery world, a cargo freighter, or a First Order base, the crew of Starkiller Base had needs and satisfied them in a variety of ways. It wasn’t uncommon for Hux to show up for an audience with Supreme Leader Snoke grumbling about having to chase some enthusiastic young Stormtroopers out of the supply closet, or one extremely horrifying time that Kylo Ren had walked in on Hux and Phasma making out in the mess hall, after mealtimes were over. Such breaches of protocol could not be ignored or tolerated, even if it was extremely awkward to have to call an assembly and remind everyone about proper decorum.

 But other things were more acceptable. Everyone in a position of power had long ago given up on trying to regulate the files that the troops saved to their personal folders, and even if they did they’d find a way to get hard-copies or stash bootleg holo-disks in their boots. So as long as they were discreet, Kylo Ren had more important things to worry about than what kinds of dirty pictures were stashed on his ship’s hard drives. As long as they weren’t causing problems or distracting everyone from their duties, who cared?

 Well, he did. To an extent. And it wasn’t out of any prurient interest- he really had no desire to see whatever alien AV star was popular these days in compromising positions with a Hutt. He didn’t particularly want to see the sentient octopus-people of Ieet getting it on with a humanoid, and he was not even interested in human women in compromising positions. He had a job to do, and he couldn’t afford the distraction that even pornography would provide.

 But still… he was kind of curious what he’d find. Curious, but also apprehensive. He didn't really care what the troops did in their down time as long as they did what they were supposed to when they were ordered. But... it was a big galaxy out there, and some species had very different ways of reproduction. He’d made that mistake, back when he was younger, going through some things he’d found in his… gene donor’s… storage room. Wookie nudie mags were not really the sort of thing a young boy needed to see. In fact, Kylo was pretty sure he was permanently scarred after that, and he never really looked at Chewbacca the same way again. Who knew what he’d find on the ship’s drives? While he was pretty sure there weren’t any Wookies in the ranks, who knew what someone might find attractive? And now that he thought about it, he remembered there was an Ieetian girl who worked in the mess hall, and he'd overheard some of the troops wondering aloud if the females of the species could do the same things with their tentacles that the males could. It would not surprise him _at all_ if they'd taken to the network to solve that mystery. 

 But curiosity overrode his apprehension, so Kylo pulled up his console and sifted through the billions of files that had been saved. It didn’t take too much effort to find the proper folder… really, someone needed to talk to the troops about saving their files with names that were descriptive, but not THAT descriptive. “Porn1?” Really. Subtlety was apparently not being taught to this crop of troopers. That would need to be rectified- how were they supposed to carry out more delicate missions if they couldn’t even discreetly name their files? What the hell was Phasma and her underlings teaching them? Kylo decided he was going to have Strong Words with her about this…

 Well, he’d stalled enough, and clicked on the folder, pulling up a truly alarming number of files. He clicked on one at random and snorted through his mask. Oh, Phasma was going to be _so furious_ when she found out someone had taken candid shots of her in the showers. Another randomly-selected file showed a female Stormtrooper, who he recognized as LC-2465, smirking coyly while hiding her (really quite impressive, those suits did not allow any sort of definition of the body whatsoever, you'd never know how shapely she was just by looking at her in the uniform) bosom with nothing but her hands. A third one was a fairly crude drawing of… himself, engaged in an intimate action with General Hux. Even at that, Kylo only snorted. He’d seen Hux, whoever had doodled this was being far, far too generous with his or her depiction of the redhead’s assets. And if the same artist had done the same for him, well, he didn’t have to admit that, now did he?

 Then, he clicked on another random file. And he felt his breath stop. No way. This wasn’t happening. Absolutely not. He was going to murder the shit out of whoever had put this up here, and then he was going to track down whoever had taken the image in the first place and do the same thing. Slowly. Painfully. And if he could figure out how to use the Force to resurrect them (that was possible, right), he was going to do it all over again. This was disgusting, obscene, unbelievable…

 Of course he’d heard the stories as a child. The day his father and his uncle had saved his mother from the clutches of the loathsome Jabba the Hutt, who had kept her as some kind of pleasure-slave. Of course it had all been edited for the audience, but Kylo was smart enough to read between the lines, and when he'd gotten older he'd figured out exactly what was implied. As far as Kylo had known that had been left behind in the past, his mother’s humiliation buried well under the passage of time and her status as a war hero. 

 But someone… some worthless piece of trash who was about to find himself as space junk had dragged up some images from that time. Apparently Jabba had taken some pictures of his mother while he’d had her, and apparently those pictures had percolated around the galaxy. There she was, his mother, much younger, wincing away from the camera, trying to retain what little of her modesty was possible in that accursed gold… undergarment set, trying to cover herself. And now that image had ended up in the computers of Starkiller Base.

 Well, of course Kylo Ren wasn’t going to stand for that. With a snarl, he activated his lightsaber, and swung it downwards. The cracking, electrical hiss of the electronics overloading was satisfying. But that hadn’t erased the image from all of the computers. It was still out there. It would likely be floating around out there on the network forever. But he could damn sure make sure it _stayed the fuck off his ship._

 Sheathing his lightsaber, Kylo adjusted his cape, stood up, and marched out of his quarters. He had a job to do on, on the central mainframe.

 NOBODY looked at the woman who’d given him life like that. Nobody.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> A few edits made after the original upload here- I realized I uploaded the same document I'd put on the meme, rather than the one where I'd edited it and expanded a few paragraphs. Sorry.


End file.
